I lost my dad when I was 12. But, it didn’t hinder my will to achieve and be, me. Part of my sensitivity to the world came from allowing myself to grow from tragedy. I want similar for my 2 boys. To know that they can still function and live a life that they want, despite certain things happening that are out of their control, like losing me. I want to raise them to be independent and self-sufficient, emotionally and socially.
My most powerful influence as a parent, is my encouragement to be resilient, to connect to their ability to persevere, and to support a mindset of staying grateful for things, no matter how small.
Nobody wants to see their children hurt, and I of course do not wish tragedy upon them. But, I see value in learning those lessons that can only happen if stress and pain are present. I want my kids to experience stressful moments when they arise, and I want to support them to get to the other side of those moments, but on their own terms. I want them to learn that they have the power in themselves to change and improve things. And to know the importance of being happy and at peace with themselves.
Growing Pains
Whether within my family, at school, or in my community, I always felt like an outcast.
I’d get questions that carried an undertone of rejection that was both testing and assuming of my race. Subtle messages that told me I couldn’t be both Filipino and Black.
Signs were subtle, but still at a young age I was able to recognize that I was not wholly accepted. Questions from Filipinos, like, “Will you marry a Filipino guy or Black guy?” I never had or gave an answer. I wouldn’t choose.
Adding to my childhood confusion as to how to self-identity, my mother never spoke about how ‘controversial’ it was for her to marry my dad. That controversy, nonetheless, would present itself. I’d visit my dad’s side and often be characterized as not Black. At a young age I was told I didn’t talk like a ‘Black girl’ and I wasn’t aware enough of Black culture.
I always felt like an outsider.
Race vs. Nationality
Being an American was never an issue for me as a kid. I grew up more conscientious about race rather than nationality.
I grew up on Staten Island, where most Italians and Irish Americans had never seen or interacted with a Black person before.
I was the only diversity people had come across or met. I always carried that with me.
I am, on a daily basis, trying to show people who are not necessarily exposed to different cultures than their own, that people should not be minimized to how race is depicted in entertainment and media. It wasn’t until college did I begin to want to understand and explore how my experience with my racial identity connected to my nationality.
As an undergrad, I was able to reflect back on my high school education and discover what was left out. My perspective was significantly enlightened by the book, “Lies My Teacher Taught Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong,” by James W. Loewen.
High school did not teach me Black history. It taught me white history.
I became aware of how extensive the historical omission was in the textbooks used to teach me. There was also an absence of encouragement to read outside of those parameters. I was not taught the importance to pursue history that included the contributions made by my heritage. That could have really made a difference. A lot of my decision in college choice was based on my desire to learn what it meant to be Black. I chose a ‘southern’ out-of-state college.
How Do Mothers Teach Their Children
To Self-Define
When I think about the meaning of American for my children, I think of it in terms of past, present, and future.
I think in the future, the country will trend toward a more racially mixed people. We will find ourselves, in a truly mixed blend of cultures and the continued intermix will lead to new traditions.
Understanding a more inclusive history gives insight to how powerful our choices are in making change and how we’ve all contributed to building this country. This goes for my experiences as a woman, as well.
Defining Womanhood Milestones
Women are a disjointed group, I feel. Women need to simply be more supportive of other women. Rather than be supportive, and networking and helping each other to self-defined success, women end up being intimidated of each other and competitive, and sabotaging of each other’s advancement.
Men have been successful because they mentor each other and advance each other. Women devalue each other and themselves. It’s a culture.
I see myself making changes in the work place by suggesting alternative view points and/or challenging coworkers and friends when oppressive actions are made or said. To encourage women to follow their passions. At home, I’m teaching my boys to question social values that will help them to understand this girl versus boy mentality. Within our household, we don’t teach gender roles. But my 4 year old is exposed to suggested gender roles while at school, by other classmates, and teachers.
Unlearning to Qualify Gender
Just recently I was appalled by learning of comments that were made my a professor teaching a diversity course. “She wasn’t pretty-pretty. She was slutty pretty.” The person said this from a place of power and authority and with the privilege to teach!
In another instance, the professor was asked about the leadership style of a woman that covered his position while he was away. She was described as being bossy.
Was she bossy? Or assertive? Ok, you’re asking this because she’s a woman. Would that question ever be asked or comment be made when describing a man?!
…Our language is gendered.
I want my boys to be aware of the value in all people. In some ways, gender will influence your point of view. But we should see value in those differences. And also feel united by them.
How Will Our Country Form A More Perfect Union?
The flag is used as a symbol to unify our country. And to represent us. Before Kaepernick, I wasn’t thinking about the flag. The flag didn’t equate to oppression. I never thought about the words of the Star Spangled Banner, the constitution, the actual pledge, the words of each and their influence and how they have played a role in segregation. Now that a divisiveness has formed, I still feel the flag’s symbolism is strong, and solidified even. But, the flag has become a social and political statement. One of which, I agree with because I’m acknowledging there’s oppression and unjustified killing. But, I do wish there was a different way. How do we celebrate the things we are proud of as Americans, together? If we put a flag in front our home, it now seems to imply that we don’t support Kaepernick’s message. I’d feel like we’re saying we don’t support social justice, which is just not true.
Interviewed on 1.28.18
What do you think?